Ever since I was in middle school, my sister and I have had a steady relationship with Oprah. Every weekday at 4, we would tune into her. It became a habit. This habit has continued through my adult life. Am I an Oprah fanatic? No. I did not stop eating beef during that whole fiasco, I did not vote for Obama, and I was one of her biggest critics when she was trying to pull off the "Tina Turner" look. Come on, she wasn't fooling anyone! However, I have been a loyal watcher of her show for so long that I couldn't help but set a timer for her show. Then Dr. Oz got his own show. I loved watching Oprah on Dr. Oz days because you could learn so much from him. Perhaps I felt a connection to him because he's a heart surgeon, and you should know how special heart specialists are to me. Naturally, when his show started, I set a timer for his show as well, because after all, he would no longer be a recurring guest on Oprah. I used to watch Dr. Phil for this exact reason...but that's a whole other post.
I had no way of knowing how out of control it would get! Have I mentioned that I have 4 children? I have no time to sit down and watch Oprah or Dr. Oz on a regular basis! Not to mention the fact that for some reason he has 2 shows on a day. So, what happens? They sit, and collect digital dust, waiting for me to panic that there won't be room for the newest episode of "Lost", and give in and have a marathon (and by marathon I mean there will be no fewer than 30 shows recorded when I decide to watch them). Why not just delete them, you ask? Because I'm anal. Maybe it's the obedient kid in me, but I feel guilt deleting a show I haven't seen (I also can't watch them out of order, even if a show is boring and doesn't apply to me at all, but that's a whole other story for a post about my idiosyncracies). After all, it could be the show that saves my life, right? I mean, at least that's what the good doctor says at the beginning of every episode. Must be true, right? So I watch. Every. Episode. I learn that my powder makeup will most likely kill me 20 years down the road when it may or may not cause irreversible lung damage like those of coal miners. I learn that to prevent frostbite, one should wear wool socks over top of cotton socks, and that mittens are better than gloves. Very useful information by the way. I mean, yesterday the temperature got down to about 40, and I was feeling downright hypothermic!
But I have a confession.
At the end of most of his shows, Dr. Oz will introduce a new exercise routine. I do not watch these. Oh, I did at first, and then I realized that while planning these segments, he and his producers make a few too many assumptions. Allow me to ellaborate.
- Exercise Balls: He's assuming any of us are coordinated enough to not roll away when we're trying to do crunches on said "gym equipment". No thanks!
- Dance Routines: He's assuming those of us watching have any measurable sense of rhythm. I do not.
- "Lifestyle workouts": Even when he had the "squeeze it in" exercise lady on, who's doctrine includes doing "vacuum lunges" or "laundry squats" he made the assumption that I vacuum or do the laundry. Ummm, excuse me, but how would combining two things that I hate (exercising and housework) make me more motivated to do it? I don't think so!
The final straw was when I saw them do an entire exercise routine on roller skates. That's just what I need. To have to explain to an emergency room physician why someone who trips over her own feet on occasion, would attempt such an outlandish (and let's face it, dangerous) exercise regimine.
I think I'll just stick to the Wii, and eating donuts while watching Dr. Oz give diet tips. Mmmm donuts....
By the way...have ya'll ever heard the old adage about "assuming" things? As you probably know, it goes: "Don't assume. It makes an A$$ out of U and ME. My steady boyfriend my senior year of high school always got it wrong. He said: "Don't assume. It makes an A$$ out of U and SUME, and Sume doesn't like it." I wish I were kidding...