All my life, I've never had any trouble making friends. Don't get me wrong, I was a nerd, but I've always made friends easily.
I've had all types of friends, as well.
My fliratious nature has awarded me many a male friend in my day, one of whom eventually became my husband.
My fierce loyalty, has provided me with many long term friends. You know, friends whom I have known for 25+ years.
The friendly/outgoing side of me has acquainted me with lots of interesting people, and has occasionally thrust me into some uncomfortable situations.
While I adore my friends, the law of averages implies that in an ocean full of really terrific friends (y'all know who you are...), you will on occasion come across a stinker or two.
When I was in middle school, I had a "friend" who hated me. Well, more accurately, she hated me MOST of the time. Round about October 8th, she would declare me her "best friend", and hold on tight, just long enough to get a birthday present from me on October 10th. Once she had what she wanted, the teasing and utter torture would resume. She did this same thing for Christmas and Valentine's Day as well, for several years.
My mom pointed out how wrong this was on several occasions, but when you're in middle school...your mom doesn't know anything, so I ignored her.
To this day, I am still a people pleaser, and it drives Roon CRAZY.
Probably because he can see something that I can't.
Usually, he gets quietly exasperated, just shaking his head or rolling his eyes when he doesn't agree with the way I'm allowing a friend to treat me.
Until recently.
Over the past several months, I have had several interactions with a "friend" I refer to as "Toxic". (If you're a real life friend of mine reading this...don't worry, I don't think it's you, or someone you know)
This person is a taker. They take your time, they take your energy, they take your generosity, but they never leave anything behind.
Have you ever had a friend like that?
After every interaction I would have with them, I would walk away feeling defeated. Feeling "less than".
One evening, after our most recent encounter, I was talking to Roon, and as I started to cry, he put his foot down.
Now, if you know Roon, you know that he is just about the most easy going man in the entire world. He would do anything for anybody, and RARELY gets upset.
But he was LIVID.
"I don't want you doing anything else for that person." He said. "In fact, if you volunteer to do one more thing for them, I am not going to be mad at them anymore, and I'll be mad at YOU!"
And I know he means it.
So, I'm respecting his wishes. The people pleaser in me is screaming to be heard, but I love my husband, and I basically only tolerate the other individual.
The whole experience has made me question myself, and how I treat others.
On the bright side, every time I encounter a "stinker" in my vast ocean of friends, I learn from it, and it makes me a better friend.
And that makes it all worth it.
18 comments:
Sorry Sam... you're an awesome friend. Hugs.
hard as it may be...I am SO proud of you for taking a stand...even if you don't really want to :)
People who take just plain stink! I too am DONE with people taking and never giving anything useful to my life. DONE! The people pleaser in me just won't put up with it anymore!
HUGS!
I tell my girls all of the time that friends are supposed to lift you up and make you feel better, they are not supped to be work! If a friend leaves you feeling "less" or becomes a job than it's time to reevaluate that friendship!
I'm glad Roon put his foot down and that you finally listened!
I agree with the others. Life is too short to be brought down by fake, toxic people. The are definitely not a friend. You will feel a new found freedom from this toxic relationship. Cheering you on! Blessings, SusanD
I had a very similar situation last year, with the same result. MacGyver was the one to put an end to it.
YES!!!
My little sister was always the "popular" one in school - I had the same problem you did...I am so thankful that I am married to a wonderful man who can help me to not put myself in situations where a caring heart is rewarded with pain. I totally understand, and it totally sucks. I'm sorry.
I know exactly what you are saying.
And what's really tough is when this toxic person is a family member...it's harder to just quit doing stuff then. :(
I've had friends like that and Steve has had to say the same thing. I wish everyone would get along but alas... some are more selfish than others.
Rather than dwell on it, {first eat some chocolate because that makes almost anything better!!} and find a new friend... one that will give back too. :)
I say kudos to you for respecting your husband's wishes on this. Husbands are pretty wise sometimes. I think this is one of the reasons we marry someone of the opposite sex. They are good at detaching emotionally and putting their foot down. Woman...not so much. Thank you for being one of the least toxic friends I've ever had. <----that was supposed to be a compliment, but it sounds kind of weird now that I reread it. You know what i mean. ;)
Yes we are taught to serve and be kind and treat everyone nicely but we are not taught to be taken advantage of and put down. Turn the other cheek and walk away. Glad Roon loves you enough to tell you to stop.
It definitely hurts to be used in a friendship that way. My husband had to step in and make me see that a friend of mine was taking advantage of us, and I say us because my helping this friend all the time was affecting him and my son as well.
So glad that your hubby loves you enough to do that for you, too!
I love you!
I told my toxic friend last night, that when you give and give and give in a relationship, and never get anything back - you eventually just run out.
Good for Roon for putting his foot down. My husband is also impatient with my continually allowing myself to be a doormat for the person in my life.
So often in life, we come across friends that just don't fit (for whatever reason) ... glad to hear that you've not only recognized that it wasn't a healthy relationship, but have taken steps to remove the negative from your life.
You don't deserve a friend that treats you this way - most definitely not. You are a fantastic friend and deserve nothing but love in your life.
Remember that!
Good for you for being able to let go. As a people pleaser myself, I totally know how hard that can be. But, as everyone else has said, I agree that it is the healthiest thing to do. A person like you does not need someone toxic in their lives. You deserve better.
Also, props to your magnificent husband who is showing so much love for you.
I hate that you have friends like that. My mom tried to save me from the "mean girls" at my high school growing up but I didn't listen to her either. I make sure to surround myself with TRUE friends. The ones closest to me are just that--TRIED AND TRUE friends.
I've also met some WONDERFUL bloggyland friends also. =)
I'm glad Roon put his foot down!
you have always been a beautiful example of friendship. i am so sorry that someone is making you feel less than and i REALLY wanna give Roon a hug for putting his foot down, he is a good man, glad you are listening!
You are a true friend, Sami, and are always willing to jump when something is needed. Cameron is right, though, in saying that you can't let people take advantage of you and use you and suck the life out of you. Life is too short to have those kinds of "friends" anyway.
I too am a people pleaser. It is so hard for me to say no. Thankfully once I had my 3rd kiddo it was necessity that I said no to people. Thankfully certain people don't ask anymore. Hubby;s have such a great way of looking on the outside of emotions. Dang those boys for not having those girly feelings! LOL
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